Wednesday, January 22, 2014

So many questions

It was a lovely morning, sipping hot coffee, doing some reading, enjoying the quiet. Then I stretched. Stretching is an autonomic response, like yawning, tough to control when the need hits you. I moved the wrong way and muscle grabbed onto nerve on left side of neck at the base and pain level shot from the usual 1-2 I'm used to, to a 9, which makes my brain freeze. I can't think straight, I'm in restless panic mode, even though I've been through this locking up so many times I know what to do...get heat pad, swallow muscle relaxer & pain pill asap, hot shower, lidocaine patch, try to relax, even though with every breath I can feel muscle raking over nerves, muscle spasming, tightening, stiffening.
I pace the kitchen floor holding my neck, massaging, trying to push the cervical rib forward hoping that will stop the sharp knife in my back pain, which usually works for minor pains, but not this time. I need my husband to tell me to get in a hot shower, because I'm stuck in a panic loop, pacing and muttering "I don't know what to do...I don't know what to do..."
I do all the things I know how to do to try to alleviate the pain, but still it jabs, burns down my arm, throbbing. I pick up my cell phone and lying on the couch taking shallow breaths, I tap out a plea to my fellow TOSers...asking what helps them with their pain. They respond with helpful ideas, encouragement, even possible food choices to reduce pain. Pickles...who knew!?
Still frozen today, had to call my job to let them know I can't work tomorrow, again. I've been thinking maybe I am not reliable enough any more with this unpredictable cloud of TOS hanging over me. I think I have a lot to offer, but I never know when symptoms might shoot from a 2 to a 9. The brain-lock I had yesterday scares me the most, that I just couldn't think straight overcome by that sudden pain.  Lots of thoughts and questions running through my tilted head today.
Looks like heat pad on a timer has been off a while. I'll turn it back on and go think some more. Much love and appreciation to all my fellow TOSers.