The new reality

I've been thinking about the changes in my life the last year. I'm not happy with where they've taken me.
I am not the person I used to be, nor the person I always wanted to be.
I am a stranger to myself.
I hear myself answer when people ask how I am doing, and I cringe inside.
I never thought I'd be the one people sortof avoid because they're so negative most of the time.
I grapple with my truth.
Some people in my small circle would say I should 'speak-forth' what I want and hope to be my reality, not state my present negative truth.
Be more upbeat. Go with the flow.
I want to- want to be like that.
However, presently, I am not.
I am tired and sore and healing and worried and afraid.
My pride takes a beating every time I go out in public and wince and jerk from the zapping pains I get down my arm and into my back and breast bone.
I want to crawl under a rock and cry every time that happens.
I do not want to be that person.
I want to be strong, and smart and capable.
This body just isnt cooperating!
I'll keep giving it time.
and I'll have to work on a new game plan in the meantime.