Sunday, February 21, 2010

I thought

For the rest of my life, my body will be missing a bone it was born with.
My entire first rib.
Gone.
In it's place is an un-natural empty space.
I rub it, it aches.
I get pokes and zaps occasionally.
I imagine it's scar tissue forming, filling up the space, attatching and getting jerked on as I move around.

The scar in my armpit is numb.
It is painful to put on deodorant.
A nerve in the underside of my arm feels pinched most of every day.
That light, constant feeling of a needle sticking in there, then rubbing around as I move my arm.

I do not do the stretching exercises the doctor and physical therapist gave me to do.
It hurts too much, causes inflamation that send me into a whole cycle I'd rather avoid.

Although these things continue to pester me, the arm throbbing only comes on occasionally now.
My need for pain med to be able to think or function has greatly reduced, for that I am thinkful.
I thought surgery would restore me to myself.
I thought I wouldn't miss my rib.
I suppose I might not if the soreness and poking feelings didn't remind me.
I thought "hey, a little surgery and I'll be good as new!"

No.
There is no going back.
Only doing the best I can with what now is.
What more can any of us do?

If you're wondering if I am regretting surgery, I'd say that while I certainly have had those feelings during this healing process, I don't exactly feel that way right now.
I just feel a tad bit sad.
I had unrealistic expectations I suppose.

1 comment:

Tania Mouton said...

Robin, nice to "read" you. I am also a redhead missing 2/3 of my left rib due to TOS and I have found myself wondering about my missing piece constantly since 2011. Thought I was the only one. Good to know I'm not. Thanks a mil. Tania Mouton, South Africa