Sunday, February 7, 2010

Just when you least expect it, life happens.

I feel the need to reiterate that I am keeping this blog for a dual purpose-
1. To inform and encourage others struggling with TOS.
2. To remind my forgetful self of the details of this journey, with TOS.

With that out of the way, on to the update.
I am stunned.
Things at approximately 10 months post-op have been about 90 percent.
The occasional jabbing.
The awkward numbness when applying deodorant.
The inability to look to my right or left for any prolonged period of time.
Some aching, not enough to need pain meds most days.
Much improved over the constant I-feel-like-I'm-having-a heart-attack-in-my arm-constantly feeling.

I thought I had settled into an acceptable enough place.
Out of the blue, riding around in the truck yesterday running errands with my husband, the familiar ache began.
First in the neck, then down the arm, increasing minute by minute until we had to make a run into a dollar store for some ibuprophen.

Some lunch at a nearby diner-
burger, onion rings & rootbeer if you must know, along with the pain pills were my hope for relief.
We sat in the truck and prayed together, as I felt my spirit being crushed once again by the return of this pain I thought was part of my past.
Such drastic measures I've gone to in order to be rid of this intrusion.
Hot tears stream down my face.
The questions that were dormant for just a few months, now all rise to the surface once again.
The preacher at church today said-
"God does not delight in crushing people."
I thought, really? it sure dosen't feel that way.

I want to believe in goodness.
If there is any, the source must surely be God.
So what exactly He is up to in allowing such suffering is beyond me.
But then so are alot of things.

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