I have gone back to work part time, and experience flareups of TOS nervy pain I'd say a few times per week.
My discipline of doing p.t. stretches at home and sticking to an anti-inflammation diet went out the window several months ago. Therefore, more symptoms have been cropping up over the last few months, at an increasing rate.
You would think that since I've lived through these TOS issues for so long, and then found what worked to reduce my symptoms, that I'd just go back to doing what I know to do-right?!
Except it's not so easy...the discipline...doing the no-fun, painful stretches when I could curl up with a book or bake something. Sticking to the diet that had me 20+ lbs lighter than I currently am (and feeling so much better)...why not *just* go back to that?
I suppose I've been choosing the easier route, casting aside discipline, indulging myself in carbs and Netflix marathon days because it has felt mentally too stressful to stick to the highly methodical way of living that had proven helpful. Dealing with some personal life issues left me drained of the will-power to keep juggling so many things.
I just wanted to let my guard down. Relax.
That was six months ago.
Old habits are back, along with old aching pains.
TOS does not care if I need a mental break from its constant nagging.
TOS does not care if I don't want to carry its baggage anymore.
TOS is with me, and the more I try to ignore it, the louder it screams for attention.
So pay attention I must.
By deciding to get back to what I've learned works for me.
Stretching. Staying active. Enough sleep. Clean diet, low carb, less caffiene.
Giving. Finding fun and joy, having dreams, moving forward instead of parking in one place (the recliner).
Here's to a better 2016 for all my fellow TOSers...one day at a time!
Gentle hugs~
Showing posts with label living with tos. Show all posts
Showing posts with label living with tos. Show all posts
Sunday, January 10, 2016
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
Having a moment...
I'm having a moment tonight.
words are replaying in my head I heard earlier - "this journey is about the long haul for you".
...the long haul.
I've been so fixed on whats right in front of me, trying and doing new things
that when I stop to take a look at the long view
it feels so overwhelming
the thought of having to manage TOS the rest of my life.
makes me feel the words of a poem.
I sit here thinking-I really don't want to do this, don't want to live life always fighting back the inevitable.
But whats my choice?
Go back to how things were before I decided to become a project for you all and hack at the things weighing me down, change things up, and try to be better?
Go back to being miserable and frozen and unplugged from life, angry all the time?
With all my efforts, I'm still just on the edge of this thing-
I had hoped to 'get past it.'
Now, it seems just turning down the volume of the pain is the most I can hope for.
I want to be free of TOS, but these are the cards I've been dealt.
Having to give up on things I wanted to do with my life-knowing they will never happen-
damn.
I'm sick of myself, sick of how I have to cope.
I don't think I can do a long haul
I've always just done short hauls
and then gotten tired and afraid and sat by the side of the road
and gotten fat and weaker
I'm so afraid of whats ahead.
I hate this.
The easier way is calling my name,
take the pills, stop fighting so hard
relax
eat, drink, stop thinking so much
check out, numb it, let the TOS take over instead of trying to push it back
just forget the fight.
If its gonna be a long haul-if I'm never going to get past it and pain is always going to chase me-
whats the point...get stronger-for what?
~ ~ ~
I see my fellow TOSers nodding their heads.
I know you get it.
I wrote this a year ago.
So much has changed since then for me.
All because I chose to live better, to start paying attention to what I needed in order to live as well as possible with this thing.
It continues to be a lot to juggle just to be functional, but it's worth it to live and not be sidelined by the pain!
I hope you will be encouraged that it is possible to live well...even with TOS.
Gentle hugs~
words are replaying in my head I heard earlier - "this journey is about the long haul for you".
...the long haul.
I've been so fixed on whats right in front of me, trying and doing new things
that when I stop to take a look at the long view
it feels so overwhelming
the thought of having to manage TOS the rest of my life.
makes me feel the words of a poem.
I sit here thinking-I really don't want to do this, don't want to live life always fighting back the inevitable.
But whats my choice?
Go back to how things were before I decided to become a project for you all and hack at the things weighing me down, change things up, and try to be better?
Go back to being miserable and frozen and unplugged from life, angry all the time?
With all my efforts, I'm still just on the edge of this thing-
I had hoped to 'get past it.'
Now, it seems just turning down the volume of the pain is the most I can hope for.
I want to be free of TOS, but these are the cards I've been dealt.
Having to give up on things I wanted to do with my life-knowing they will never happen-
damn.
I'm sick of myself, sick of how I have to cope.
I don't think I can do a long haul
I've always just done short hauls
and then gotten tired and afraid and sat by the side of the road
and gotten fat and weaker
I'm so afraid of whats ahead.
I hate this.
The easier way is calling my name,
take the pills, stop fighting so hard
relax
eat, drink, stop thinking so much
check out, numb it, let the TOS take over instead of trying to push it back
just forget the fight.
If its gonna be a long haul-if I'm never going to get past it and pain is always going to chase me-
whats the point...get stronger-for what?
~ ~ ~
I see my fellow TOSers nodding their heads.
I know you get it.
I wrote this a year ago.
So much has changed since then for me.
All because I chose to live better, to start paying attention to what I needed in order to live as well as possible with this thing.
It continues to be a lot to juggle just to be functional, but it's worth it to live and not be sidelined by the pain!
I hope you will be encouraged that it is possible to live well...even with TOS.
Gentle hugs~
Labels:
discouraged,
experience,
fear,
flare up,
living with tos,
manage pain,
pain
Friday, January 16, 2015
My Physical Therapist Said - Part 11

"Be in your own world while you're at the gym-work your program, don't be pressured."
"Have fun. It’s work so expect it.
When you need to recover - it’s ok.
Remember, the turtle wins the race.
This is a continuation of a life change.
You’ve done great work and will continue!"
~ ~ ~
I'm sure gona miss those pep talks.
I'm very grateful for the help my P.T. has given me this past year.
I'd given up on physical therapy being helpful after all the awful torture other therapists put me through.
I hope after following my journey in physical therapy this past year, that you are encouraged to give p.t. a try- or try again, try some more, with someone who knows neck and arm issues.
Always listen to your own intuition; if something isn't working- stop.
But don't stop trying.
It's hard to believe when you're battling pain, but it can get better.
Start small, each day builds on the next, do what you need to do for you.
Find support, ask for help, decide to stick up for yourself.
TOS is a bum deal, but you can chose to live as well as possible with it.
Gentle hugs~
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
TOS Resolutions for the New Year
* An MRI, to see what's going on since rib resection back in 2008, since my daughters rib entirely regrew and I continue to have nerve/muscle issues.
*Flouroscopy guided injection into spine, C4, to see if that helps
*Try acupuncture
*Work on core strength and stability at the gym, continue with physical therapy for upper body at home
*Meet more of my fellow TOSers, hopefully for a 5K walk/run
*Continue to tweak the TOS diet, more green smoothies, fish, etc...
*Essential oils-research, try.
*Try Biofeedback
*Figure out better, ergonomic seating options, especially for time on computer
*Keep diggin' into this TOS thing, learn more, understand
*Kick TOS in the butt
*Share my journey and encourage my fellow TOSers that even though the pain can be horrible, life can still be good.
*Live well!!
*Flouroscopy guided injection into spine, C4, to see if that helps
*Try acupuncture
*Work on core strength and stability at the gym, continue with physical therapy for upper body at home
*Meet more of my fellow TOSers, hopefully for a 5K walk/run
*Continue to tweak the TOS diet, more green smoothies, fish, etc...
*Essential oils-research, try.
*Try Biofeedback
*Figure out better, ergonomic seating options, especially for time on computer
*Keep diggin' into this TOS thing, learn more, understand
*Kick TOS in the butt
*Share my journey and encourage my fellow TOSers that even though the pain can be horrible, life can still be good.
*Live well!!
Saturday, December 13, 2014
My Physical Therapist Says Part 10
I have one more P.T. appointment in a couple weeks, then I'm on my own for a while. I can't lie, I'm a little anxious about that.
Words fail me to adequately express how much I have appreciated the understanding, knowledge and approach of my P.T.
After a few BAD rounds with therapy over the years, I walked into P.T. nine months ago very guarded, but desperate for change.My main hurdle was, and continues to be, in my mind.
For example, I had a pain flareup last week that reminded me of the godawful pain I had most of the time a year ago, and it was discouraging.
I thought I was stronger, and better, but there it was screaming at me, messing with my head. I forget that I spent years being angry and inactive because of the pain. I get impatient and want things to progress faster, but things have come a long way, and for that I'm very thankful!!
So, I have been thinking about how I can keep my motivation going since I won't be going to P.T. Going backward is not an option, especially after that pain attack last week.

So I decided to face a fear of mine and I joined a gym. *shudder*
It's whole new, foreign, scary world for me.
P.T. guy said this is a good thing for me to transition to, that I should work on lots of cardio, treadmill, bike, eliptical (but be careful with the arm piece), and lots of leg work.NO ARM MACHINES for a while.
This will challenge the nervous system in new ways than what I've been doing.
I'm supposed to keep doing my regular arm glide stuff, and also work on core stability, on a Bosu Balance Ball at the gym, or sitting/balancing on my exercise ball at home-no touching hands and feet.
P.T. believes after several months of working on this at the gym on my own, I should be in a position where I am strong enough to tolerate revisiting P.T. and he can then work on challenging the nerve and working toward making more progress in desensitizing and reducing the flarup potential.So, I have a new little TOS mountain to climb on my journey, one step at a time. The view from this part of the journey is much better than back where I was just ten months ago. So, I'm hopeful, and I'm moving forward, even if it is a bit uphill.
Just this week I heard someone say that on our life journey, there will be different people along the way at different times. I'm grateful beyond words for the people who have been with me on my journey this past year. My heart overflows.
Gentle hugs~
Sunday, November 30, 2014
Gentle Hugs T-Shirts and Pins are now available!
Many thanks to fellow TOSer, Aubrey, who designed this TOS awareness logo with the Gentle Hugs message!! You can order it on a pin, a shirt, or other items here -http://www.zazzle.ca/gentle_hugs_tos_awareness_womans_tee-235060560888694921
I don't know about you, but I will be wearing this shirt to any family gatherings from now on!
Gentle hugs~
Labels:
awareness,
gentle hugs,
living with tos,
pain
Sunday, November 23, 2014
Yule Run I'll Walk ~ Guest Post ~ Sabine
Several months ago, I was inspired by our fellow TOSer, Teran (previous guest post here), who ran a marathon and posted in a facebook TOS support group about her accomplishment.
What struck me, and pushed me out the door to start walking, was when Teran said, "you are not in the waiting room of life." I'm thankful she motivated me to get moving through the TOS pain, because it led to being able to meet and walk a 5k with another fellow TOSer, Sabine.
I saw on a TOS support group that Sabine is a fellow TOSer and a runner who lives nearby. So we picked The Yule Run I'll Walk 5k to meet and walk together. I'm so glad we did!
It was a drizzly winter night for the walk, but not snowing and blowing, so we lucked out. I had more nerve pain than usual for the walk, from a combination of the chilly rain, a touch of anxiety that always makes those trapezius muscles tense up, and a new exercise I've been doing that has irritated some things. You can see we both made sure to have our TOS necks covered and warm!
The path had a pretty christmas light display, but was treacherous to walk in spots from the recent snow storm. I was glad I wore the plastic grocery bags on my feet between layers of socks, even though we laughed about how fat it made my ankles look.
As we walked, we talked a bit about our TOS issues. Sabine shared more about how she was diagnosed with compression, Paget Schroetter Syndrome, and treated for a blood clot that caused her arm to painfully swell and turn purple. She has not had surgery to address the compression, and I understand her fear very well. If you do much reading about TOS, especially on any forums, you see quite a mixed bag of results from decompression resection surgery.
We were keeping up a pretty good pace walking and talking when Sabine asked me if I ever have pain or problems from turning my head to one direction...and then we switched places as we walked because we were on each others bad side! The funny things you have in common with TOS.

It was great to discuss TOS issues and ideas for raising awareness with someone who understands because they live with it too. We commiserated about people thinking we don't look like we have a pain syndrome, and how frustrating it is to not be taken seriously.
We talked a bit about our common headaches and sitting with head forward posture as a problem that makes pain flare up.
We agreed that we both have to sit directly in front of the TV, no turning the head even slightly to the side for very long. And when we parted, she gave the gentlest of hugs.
Here we are at the finish line with our Ugly Sweater Mugs. According to Sabine's awesome sport watch, our distance was 3.20 miles, average pace 15:16, best pace 13:32, total time 48:51...not too bad considering the slippery conditions.
Had a little achy arm and hand tingling on the drive home. The morning after the 5k walk, nerves are twitching from my armpit down into my hand, increased neck and head tension, upper traps are unhappy. But it was worth it!
I highly encourage all my fellow TOSers to connect with others who are living with similar physical issues. Sharing our common bond (and the things that help us to adapt and live well-even with TOS) gives me some hope and helps me to not feel so alone on this peculiar journey.
May you also have that same hope.
Gentle hugs~
What struck me, and pushed me out the door to start walking, was when Teran said, "you are not in the waiting room of life." I'm thankful she motivated me to get moving through the TOS pain, because it led to being able to meet and walk a 5k with another fellow TOSer, Sabine.
I saw on a TOS support group that Sabine is a fellow TOSer and a runner who lives nearby. So we picked The Yule Run I'll Walk 5k to meet and walk together. I'm so glad we did!It was a drizzly winter night for the walk, but not snowing and blowing, so we lucked out. I had more nerve pain than usual for the walk, from a combination of the chilly rain, a touch of anxiety that always makes those trapezius muscles tense up, and a new exercise I've been doing that has irritated some things. You can see we both made sure to have our TOS necks covered and warm!
The path had a pretty christmas light display, but was treacherous to walk in spots from the recent snow storm. I was glad I wore the plastic grocery bags on my feet between layers of socks, even though we laughed about how fat it made my ankles look.
As we walked, we talked a bit about our TOS issues. Sabine shared more about how she was diagnosed with compression, Paget Schroetter Syndrome, and treated for a blood clot that caused her arm to painfully swell and turn purple. She has not had surgery to address the compression, and I understand her fear very well. If you do much reading about TOS, especially on any forums, you see quite a mixed bag of results from decompression resection surgery.
We were keeping up a pretty good pace walking and talking when Sabine asked me if I ever have pain or problems from turning my head to one direction...and then we switched places as we walked because we were on each others bad side! The funny things you have in common with TOS.

It was great to discuss TOS issues and ideas for raising awareness with someone who understands because they live with it too. We commiserated about people thinking we don't look like we have a pain syndrome, and how frustrating it is to not be taken seriously.We talked a bit about our common headaches and sitting with head forward posture as a problem that makes pain flare up.
We agreed that we both have to sit directly in front of the TV, no turning the head even slightly to the side for very long. And when we parted, she gave the gentlest of hugs.
Here we are at the finish line with our Ugly Sweater Mugs. According to Sabine's awesome sport watch, our distance was 3.20 miles, average pace 15:16, best pace 13:32, total time 48:51...not too bad considering the slippery conditions.
Had a little achy arm and hand tingling on the drive home. The morning after the 5k walk, nerves are twitching from my armpit down into my hand, increased neck and head tension, upper traps are unhappy. But it was worth it!
I highly encourage all my fellow TOSers to connect with others who are living with similar physical issues. Sharing our common bond (and the things that help us to adapt and live well-even with TOS) gives me some hope and helps me to not feel so alone on this peculiar journey.
May you also have that same hope.
Gentle hugs~
Friday, November 21, 2014
Diet affects pain and physical challenges more than you think!
If you've not heard of Dr. Terry Wahls, watch this Ted talk video and be amazed at the results she is experiencing in the reversal of her own MS disease by changing her lifestyle and diet!!
I know it sure inspired me to keep at it. I have seen good results from knocking junk out of my diet as well, able to get off meds, moving more, less pain.
http://tedxtalks.ted.com/video/TEDxIowaCity-Dr-Terry-Wahls-Min
**If you are a TOSer who is experiencing improved health and less pain from diet changes, please email me, I'd love to interview you for a guest blog post!
My fellow TOSers, Don't hang in there & Gentle hugs~
I know it sure inspired me to keep at it. I have seen good results from knocking junk out of my diet as well, able to get off meds, moving more, less pain.
http://tedxtalks.ted.com/video/TEDxIowaCity-Dr-Terry-Wahls-Min
**If you are a TOSer who is experiencing improved health and less pain from diet changes, please email me, I'd love to interview you for a guest blog post!
My fellow TOSers, Don't hang in there & Gentle hugs~
Labels:
diet,
exercise,
living with tos,
managing pain
Friday, November 14, 2014
TOS Walking
I spent a few years being pretty inactive, using TOS as an excuse to not do much.Seven months ago I began walking a half mile a day. I got increased aching and nervy zappers in my arms, neck, and head from walking, but I persisted and increased my distance slowly.
It felt good to accomplish something, one step at a time, an entire half-mile. It was an improvement. It was a start.
I decided I was going to have pain if I kept sitting on the couch, and I was going to have pain if I went for a walk. I might as well go walk- the fresh air would do me some good and walking might help in the long run.
So I've continued to walk.
The last few weeks I've been logging up to 20 miles per week on hilly dirt roads. With an earbud in one ear, mp3 player tuned to NPR or some peppy music, I take off and aim to complete my walking goal of the day. Around the block (3.5 miles)? To the end of the road and back (2.0 miles)? To visit a friend in town (3.0 miles). As I walk, I remember stories my grandma used to tell me (repeatedly) about walking to school 3 miles one way, uphill, in the snow. Does everyones grandmother tell that story?
Walking with my arms bent helps reduce the hand swelling a bit. I push myself to hit a 4 miles per hour pace. Nervy arm, neck, and head pain still increase after a mile or so, especially if it's colder or windy outside. I try to push through it, sometimes slow down for a bit, let my arms hang at my sides a while, then pick up the pace again.
I googled 'walking and hand swelling' and found it to be common and not just a TOS thing, due to restricted circuation. I open and close my fists a lot while I walk and grab a frozen o.j. can when I get back home.
I've found that if I push too much and walk too far I sometimes get more pain the next day, but if I'm inactive and skip walking a day or two I also get increased pain. Balance is key for me on my journey with TOS.
Some of the benefits of chosing to walk have been stress reduction, weight loss and connecting with a few neighbors I normally wouldn't.
So I'll keep walking, because even with TOS and it's glitches, I can.
*Stay tuned for a post about a walk I'm doing with a fellow TOSer soon, looking forward to that!
I'd love to walk a 5K Spring 2015 with a fellow TOSer...please email me if you're interested!!
Gentle hugs~
Friday, November 7, 2014
Time to change the narrative.
I found this podcast to be VERY encouraging, and a bit challenging. I hope you will give it a listen.
http://findingourhunger.com/2014/09/10/unnarrative/#comment-201
As the podcast mentions, I've found it is important for me to challenge and change how I consider my life and it's physical challenges.
I'm learning to not say "I have TOS", but to say "I live with TOS".
And yes, for me it does matter how I frame the situation. It is important for me to keep TOS as a separate entity, not as my identity. It just happens to be part of my baggage, not my whole life.
The main speaker in this podcast says she is "grateful for ms".
That got me wondering,.. is there any way I can or shoud be grateful for TOS?
And I have to say, TOS has made me have to pay attention, become mindful, stop numbing and plug into my life. TOS has made me stronger in some important ways, for that I am grateful.
My fellow TOSers- Don't hang in there & Gentle hugs~
http://findingourhunger.com/2014/09/10/unnarrative/#comment-201
As the podcast mentions, I've found it is important for me to challenge and change how I consider my life and it's physical challenges.
I'm learning to not say "I have TOS", but to say "I live with TOS".
And yes, for me it does matter how I frame the situation. It is important for me to keep TOS as a separate entity, not as my identity. It just happens to be part of my baggage, not my whole life.
The main speaker in this podcast says she is "grateful for ms".
That got me wondering,.. is there any way I can or shoud be grateful for TOS?
And I have to say, TOS has made me have to pay attention, become mindful, stop numbing and plug into my life. TOS has made me stronger in some important ways, for that I am grateful.
My fellow TOSers- Don't hang in there & Gentle hugs~
Labels:
change,
living with tos
Saturday, November 1, 2014
5 Ways You're Not 'Living' With Chronic Illness - article share day
This short article gave me a much needed kick in the pants today. Excellent advice. I hope you come away inspired to live your best life possible...even with TOS.http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ilana-jacqueline/personal-health-_b_5482294.html
Here's an excerpt;
"Chronic Illness is:
- Coped with
- Managed
- Organized
- Contained
- Controlled
- Lived with
- Handled
- Confronted
My fellow TOSers-Don't hang in there & Gentle hugs~
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
TOS update - Exercise, Diet and Supplements...oh my!
Lately my TOS pain (nerve pull, sharp, aching, throbbing, a little twitchy, from base of my neck, down arm into hand, up neck into head) comes on sporadically, aggrivated by driving-especially when it's windy, or if I've had bad prolonged sitting posture (head forward).
The jaw/neck/head pain that I believe is partly a result of having anterior scalene muscle removed when my first rib was resected...that pain was better several weeks ago, but its been ramping back up lately. I think the cold weather is partly to blame. And I still feel like I want a kick-stand for my head by the end of most days because my head feels heavy, weaker, and unsupported on the resected side. I actually do prop my head up with my hand sometimes.
I'm down to p.t. every two weeks, for a few more visits, then I'm on my own for a bit. I'm curious to see how that is going to be. I'm hoping I can stay motivated to keep at it through the fall/winter seasons when all I really want to do is hunker down, read, or hybernate.
Here are couple new p.t. exercises I've been given to work on at home-
1. Roll exercise ball up wall with forearms, 20-40x
I don't roll up quite as high as pictured. When I first started doing this TOS symptoms started kicking in around 6 reps. After a couple weeks of doing this, I don't feel the heavy-tingly-arm ache until about 15 - 20 reps.
2. Push meduim size rubber ball against wall with back of head, turn slightly right and left while pushing.(center pic)
I've been walking 2-4 miles most every day, even on flareup days. I figure I'm going to have pain if I sit on the couch or if I go for a walk, and I've found I sometimes have less TOS pain after walking(sometimes more). I'm even ready for winter with a manual treadmill.
My diet remains pretty simple, and I DO believe losing weight and cutting sugar is helping reduce my pain levels tremendously! I just eat real, whole foods, nothing artificial, no white flour or sugar, lots of water and green tea, and a handful of anti-inflammitory supplements morning and night.
Morning: Vit D, Vit C, Fish Oil, Tumeric, B complex, CoQ10.
Night: Magnesium Glycinate, Mag citrate/aspartate/maleate, Calcium citrate.
Other things that I've found helpful in alleviating some of my TOS pain- setting a few goals, volunteering for an organization weekly, helping others, continuing to challenge negative thinking and replace it with more positive and encouraging thoughts, getting involved in a suportive community/regular group meeting, attention to my relaxing/sitting posture, asking for what I need.
Things I am considering; injections of some sort into the back of my head/neck/upper trap on one side, and acupuncture. I looked into CBD oil, if it were not so expensive I'd give that a try. I am glad to be off all prescription meds currently, even ibuprophen. However, the pain ramps up to 'terrible' status 1-2x week, and it is moderately painful for several hours a few more days each week.
I do have some days virtually pain-free, but I'm still having enough pain that I'm wondering about going back to some type of medication. I need to be able to function and live and it's still hard for me to plan to do too much.
I sat for 1 hour for a college aptitude test recently, and half way through I was hurting and wondering how I could ever sit through a 2-3 hour class 2x week?! But I'm still signed up for Winter 2015...I won't know unless I try, right?!
So thats the current state of TOS in my life. I keep doing what I think may help, and stay open to any new ideas.
My fellow TOSers- Don't hang in there...and Gentle hugs~
The jaw/neck/head pain that I believe is partly a result of having anterior scalene muscle removed when my first rib was resected...that pain was better several weeks ago, but its been ramping back up lately. I think the cold weather is partly to blame. And I still feel like I want a kick-stand for my head by the end of most days because my head feels heavy, weaker, and unsupported on the resected side. I actually do prop my head up with my hand sometimes.
I'm down to p.t. every two weeks, for a few more visits, then I'm on my own for a bit. I'm curious to see how that is going to be. I'm hoping I can stay motivated to keep at it through the fall/winter seasons when all I really want to do is hunker down, read, or hybernate.
Here are couple new p.t. exercises I've been given to work on at home-
1. Roll exercise ball up wall with forearms, 20-40x
I don't roll up quite as high as pictured. When I first started doing this TOS symptoms started kicking in around 6 reps. After a couple weeks of doing this, I don't feel the heavy-tingly-arm ache until about 15 - 20 reps.
2. Push meduim size rubber ball against wall with back of head, turn slightly right and left while pushing.(center pic)
I've been walking 2-4 miles most every day, even on flareup days. I figure I'm going to have pain if I sit on the couch or if I go for a walk, and I've found I sometimes have less TOS pain after walking(sometimes more). I'm even ready for winter with a manual treadmill.
My diet remains pretty simple, and I DO believe losing weight and cutting sugar is helping reduce my pain levels tremendously! I just eat real, whole foods, nothing artificial, no white flour or sugar, lots of water and green tea, and a handful of anti-inflammitory supplements morning and night.
Morning: Vit D, Vit C, Fish Oil, Tumeric, B complex, CoQ10.
Night: Magnesium Glycinate, Mag citrate/aspartate/maleate, Calcium citrate.
Other things that I've found helpful in alleviating some of my TOS pain- setting a few goals, volunteering for an organization weekly, helping others, continuing to challenge negative thinking and replace it with more positive and encouraging thoughts, getting involved in a suportive community/regular group meeting, attention to my relaxing/sitting posture, asking for what I need.
Things I am considering; injections of some sort into the back of my head/neck/upper trap on one side, and acupuncture. I looked into CBD oil, if it were not so expensive I'd give that a try. I am glad to be off all prescription meds currently, even ibuprophen. However, the pain ramps up to 'terrible' status 1-2x week, and it is moderately painful for several hours a few more days each week.
I do have some days virtually pain-free, but I'm still having enough pain that I'm wondering about going back to some type of medication. I need to be able to function and live and it's still hard for me to plan to do too much.
I sat for 1 hour for a college aptitude test recently, and half way through I was hurting and wondering how I could ever sit through a 2-3 hour class 2x week?! But I'm still signed up for Winter 2015...I won't know unless I try, right?!
So thats the current state of TOS in my life. I keep doing what I think may help, and stay open to any new ideas.
My fellow TOSers- Don't hang in there...and Gentle hugs~
Friday, October 3, 2014
Two TOSers go to Artprize
The TOS daughter and I went to artprize, a city-wide art competition where people vote on their favorite art on display through out the city at several different venues. Lots to see and lots of waking.We both began our day excited about all the new things we were going to see, feeling energised and prepared for the day ahead.
As usual, we thought ahead about what to wear, light layers-nothing heavy that would cause symptoms to flare.
Walking around with hands in pockets is pretty common for both of us. We noted to each other partway through the day that our necks hurt. We had both been putting our hands in our coat pockets to avoid walking with them hanging down-which surely causes neck and upper trapezius tension. But the weight of our hands in our coat pockets pulled our coats down on our necks and had the same result-neck pain.
TOS daughter said she tried walking with her hands in her pants pockets, but that just made her have to pull her pants up more-which caused arm and neck strain, so it was a no-win situation with the pockets today.(photo of the breathtaking exhibit Intersections, by artist Anila Quayyum Agha.)
One problem for TOSers with being out and about when there are alot of people is that there are social requirements-like holding the door open for the people behind you. Many of the artprize venue doors in downtown Grand Rapids are very heavy and difficult to pull open. I try to use my foot to help open and to hold doors as much as possible.
It wound up being easier to just open the door and let people entering behind us to go ahead instead of awkwardly holding the door with one arm from behind while still walking forward...really hard on a TOSer arm.
TOS daughter said she was perfectly fine with the fact that the shoes she wore to walk in all day made her feet hurt, because her aching feet distracted her from the pain in her arms and neck.
Also, several art pieces were hung up very high. TOS daughter wanted to lay on the floor to look at some intricate ceiling detail. We both had to just stop looking up at things because we were going to both wind up frozen, unable to move, looking like one of the exhibits! It's funny to us that we can commiserate about the same quirky, TOS way of handing things; we get it, but nobody else would.
It was a rainy, windy, and chilly day for walking around the city all day. The weather alone was enough to make muscles tense up and cause TOS pain to flare; you know how TOSers are living barometers! We both forged ahead through moderate headaches all day.
Though we had our TOS things to be mindful of through out the day, it was an AWESOME day!SO much gorgeous, lovely, fun, thoughtful, heartbreaking, beautiful stuff to see. My personal favorite piece was a glass mosaic, Into the Autumn Woods, by artist Sandra Bryant. Wow.
I was captivated by artist Christopher Capozziello, and the photo exhibit of his brother who has cerebral pasly. Christopher asks some pretty raw questions that people who live with, or who watch loved ones live with painful physical conditions ask. "I want answers. I want explanations for why some suffer and others do not." The last frame of his exhibit is of his brother hugging their mother, with a thought about how he has personally learned how to live by watching his brothers life.
Another touching piece, by artist Eric Staib, is a painting that depicts the downward spiral of questioning, suffering, and some of the very real thoughts and emotions of those who suffer.I kept thinking today how the world and life is just like the art we saw all day; sometimes so incredibly
moving and beautiful, and sometimes so horribly sad and dark.
If you have TOS, or a related physical challenge, I encourage you to get out and take in life. Even though you have TOS as a thing to manage, don't miss out...go see and do and live!
We know it's not easy, living with TOS pain can be a depressing hassle. Even with all the things we TOSers have to stay mindful of just to function, we still can, and should, live well...even with TOS.
Gentle hugs~
Labels:
experience,
living with tos,
pain,
suffering,
tips
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
My Physical Therapist Says - Part 7

I went to a recent physical therapy appointment feeling a bit discouraged, dealing with an arm pain flareup.
Here's part of the pep-talk my physical therapist gave me-
"This is just the ebb and flow of life. As you work to get stronger, things are going to happen to challenge you; its ok. Hang in there."
*Insert here the sound of a needle scratching across a vinyl record, which is what I heard at that moment in my head.
I told PT that 'hang in there' is possibly the worst thing you can say to encourage someone with Thoracic Outlet Syndrome.
Think about it- arms, neck, pain, hanging..."hang in there"?!
We have commiserated about this on the TOS facebook support group; it's not a great admonition for someone living with TOS.
As I was leaving pt that day, I hear from across the room- "...and Robin, don't hang in there."
My fellow TOSers will understand when I say this; that may be one of the most thoughtful things anyones ever said to encourage me.
To all my fellow TOSers-Don't hang in there & Gentle Hugs~
Sunday, August 17, 2014
Seat design causing neck strain and health issues!
Take a look at these seats and tell me- why are they all concave and curved forward at the top?!
I understand 'safety' is the reason given for the design, but try having TOS and have to sit in one of these seats for any length of time...you find out pretty fast that your pain is about to flareup!

Topping the list of seats that are terrible for TOSers, is the car seat. There has been nothing worse for my pain flareups than having to ride in someone elses car with a head restraint/headrest that pitches forward.
This paper addresses some important issues in car seat design, (Link)Automobile headrests extending too far forward with solutions.
A quote from that paper- "In most cars, the contour of the seat backs do not adequately match the contour of the drivers back and the headrests are too far forward."
As this Forbes article confirms, there are alot of people unhappy with the strain on their neck caused by the car seat head rest.
You may write and express how car seat design is affecting your health (a cause of TOS pain flareup) to:
U.S. Dept of Transportation
National Highway Traffic Safety Administration
A few ideas for TOSers to adapt their seat:
As the paper suggests, with warning, you may remove and turn your head rest around.
I have to do this or I cannot drive. I may be taking a whiplash injury risk, but leaving the headrest in the curved forward position is not an option for me.
(Maybe this is not as much of an issue for those living with TOS who are taller?)
My recommendation for furniture for shorter to average people is furniture made by Best furniture Company.
I realised our living room furniture was contributing to my pain because it was SO slouchy, big and caused me to have terrible posture.

Other options to adapt include:
http://www.necksolutions.com/car-seat-neck-support.html
http://www.addonheadrest.com/backpain.html
http://www.amazon.com/Car-Neck-Pillow-Soft-Version/dp/B005C7ZR5O
http://www.amazon.com/Astar-Memory-Foam-Pillow-M139/dp/B002DBS9KM/ref=sr_1_20?ie=UTF8&qid=1407160243&sr=8-20&keywords=car+seat+neck+support
Happy driving fellow TOSers, gentle hugs~
Labels:
driving,
education,
ergonomics,
living with tos,
video
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Guest Post - Tara
I asked Tara to
share her TOS story with us because I’ve appreciated her hard won knowledge and
encouragement (in the TOS facebook Support Group), and I’m sure you will too.
I asked Tara to answer the following questions for us:
1. How did you come to learn you have TOS?
2. What treatments have you tried?
3. What is helpful to you now in living with TOS?
I just had to put this part of Tara’s response here at the beginning-it is so important I wanted you to catch it right away…
“Try to avoid toxic people and encounters whenever possible and learn who your real friends are. You will need them. Our lives may feel diminished, but learn what you still have and embrace it.”
~ ~ ~
“It appears I was born with all the elements that
predisposed me to developing Thoracic Outlet Syndrome.
I have two cervical ribs as well as elongated C-7 transverse processes on both sides. The only indicators I had growing up were heaviness and loss of strength in my arms when doing overhead activities like swimming or arranging my hair or fussing with my blankets in bed.
Ironically, I was exceptionally strong, easily doing necessary things like chopping wood and hauling water from the spring near our wilderness home. I don't recall suffering any ill effects from those "arms down" activities. Straight and strong, I didn't notice my posture changing until I was about sixty years old. By then I had gone from slim and buxom to plump and heavy bosomed. My body had gradually curled forward from the extra weight.
Everything came crashing in when I was working with a rather large three-year-old boy, who had to be contained over an eight hour shift. He jerked and pulled and twisted my arms the entire day, while trying to escape--wanting to harm other youngsters in the room. At the end of the day, my arms felt as if they were dislocated--weak and painful. Sleep became nearly impossible, because almost any position I lay in, my hands would lose circulation and start throbbing. I reported the injury to my supervisor.
I was diagnosed with a shoulder impingement and sent to physical therapy. Unfortunately, the type of therapy I was given was the worst type to be used for TOS. My work-outs included exercises with weights, therabands, and an arm bicycle. While the impingement improved, a deeper pain began to develop, sending shooting pains down my arms along with burning, tingling, and numbness into my hands.
When the sports medicine specialist I was seeing declared himself stumped, I told him about an EMG I'd had a few years earlier which had shown nerve irritability. The neurologist had told me about "Droopy Shoulder Syndrome" and said I had the body type for it. Looking up the term on Google, I'd learned of TOS.
My specialist snapped his fingers and said, "That's it!" He ordered a new EMG, and an MRA, then referred me to a local surgeon whose wife has TOS. The tests showed compressed veins, and True Neurogenic TOS was diagnosed. I was rushed into surgery.
Unfortunately, the surgeon I was referred to has a history of being very experimental. The first doctor I saw was very kind and seemed to possess good surgical skills. But his senior partner, who stood in to help, decided to try a different surgical method. The records were falsified to say the surgery had been done as I was told it would. A year later I was back for a second surgery on the left, as I had gone bi-lateral. The second surgery was disastrous! From all appearances the senior partner left early and turned me over to his students. Falsified records said, "complete rib removal and scalenectomy".
Nothing resolved correctly and it took two more years to find and be treated by a TOS specialist, Dr. Dean Donahue at Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston. Dr. Donahue's special contrast CT scan, imaged my cervical ribs and the terrible surgical techniques used on me previously.
Since our first meeting in 2010, Dr. Donahue has performed clean-up surgery on both sides and identified the combination of issues involved. I have "true neurogenic TOS" with classic Gilliatt-Sumner Hand--nerve damage and wasting muscle at the thumb base. The elongated C-7 transverse processes sent fibrous bands into the scalene triangles, where adhesions clamped them to the scalenus minimus (small, extra scalenes )-trapping the arteries between them.
With just chunks of both first ribs
removed, the prior incomplete surgeries left the periosteum/bone casing's cut
ends drifting. Those casings caused a healing response from my body and new
bone regenerated in them-like it would from a fracture. The anterior scalenes
had also been cut and left drifting until they met and attached to those loose
bone casings. From that response, a sling formed across my brachial plexus on
each side and then adhered to each pleura, creating new compression. The repair
surgeries were lengthy and difficult--the one on the left was not enough to
reverse all the nerve damage. I am left with weakness and loss of function in that hand.
The right side was especially bad, with the brachial plexus wrapped twice in thick slabs of scar tissue. Despite the surgery taking 4 1/2 hours, the damage has been significantly reversed and strength is returning to the hand.
Workman's comp has dogged my every step, with adjusters stalling my medications and procedures. In spite of that, I have tried PT, lidocaine injections, Botox, radio-frequency ablations, intermuscle stimulation (IMS), aka dry needling and numerous medications. The two most beneficial treatments have come from my manual physical therapist. He has pioneered some gentle stretching methods that are especially easy on TOS patients. He also learned manual lymph drainage (MLD) and dry needling therapy (IMS) which when used in conjunction work miracles on my trapped lymph build-up.
Living with TOS is especially discouraging, knowing it is for life and will not be cured. We need to develop arsenals of pain-relief methods--each will be as individualized as the people developing them. Many pharmaceutical medications have been tried, but nothing has proven especially useful to me. Things like Cymbalta and Lyrica are caustic to my gut and I have had to eliminate them from the list. At present, I use Wellbutrin and flexeril in conjunction with curcumin/turmeric and several vitamins and supplements. They seem to take the edge off daily pain. Soma helps when I can't sleep.
Distractions are very important and I use them frequently. Books, movies and music all help me to switch focus from pain. Travel in general is pleasant, but my very favorite is road-tripping! My tens unit and infra-red lamp are soothing, frequent companions at home and on the road.
I try not to dwell on my afflictions or tell my lengthy tale to everyone I meet. Just accepting that we have TOS can help us move forward.
Getting the best medical help you can afford is primary, but you may have to hire and fire several doctors before you find someone truly helpful. A TOS specialist can be beneficial if s/he has more in his/her lexicon than surgery. Pain specialists can also help, if you are willing to be experimental. You may find that your best and most consistent help comes from your trusted GP.
Devise coping methods that help get you through and learn what you can do to normalize your situation as much as possible.
Learn to respect your new limits and ask for help.”
I asked Tara to answer the following questions for us:
1. How did you come to learn you have TOS?
2. What treatments have you tried?
3. What is helpful to you now in living with TOS?
I just had to put this part of Tara’s response here at the beginning-it is so important I wanted you to catch it right away…
“Try to avoid toxic people and encounters whenever possible and learn who your real friends are. You will need them. Our lives may feel diminished, but learn what you still have and embrace it.”
~ ~ ~
“It appears I was born with all the elements that
predisposed me to developing Thoracic Outlet Syndrome.I have two cervical ribs as well as elongated C-7 transverse processes on both sides. The only indicators I had growing up were heaviness and loss of strength in my arms when doing overhead activities like swimming or arranging my hair or fussing with my blankets in bed.
Ironically, I was exceptionally strong, easily doing necessary things like chopping wood and hauling water from the spring near our wilderness home. I don't recall suffering any ill effects from those "arms down" activities. Straight and strong, I didn't notice my posture changing until I was about sixty years old. By then I had gone from slim and buxom to plump and heavy bosomed. My body had gradually curled forward from the extra weight.
Everything came crashing in when I was working with a rather large three-year-old boy, who had to be contained over an eight hour shift. He jerked and pulled and twisted my arms the entire day, while trying to escape--wanting to harm other youngsters in the room. At the end of the day, my arms felt as if they were dislocated--weak and painful. Sleep became nearly impossible, because almost any position I lay in, my hands would lose circulation and start throbbing. I reported the injury to my supervisor.
I was diagnosed with a shoulder impingement and sent to physical therapy. Unfortunately, the type of therapy I was given was the worst type to be used for TOS. My work-outs included exercises with weights, therabands, and an arm bicycle. While the impingement improved, a deeper pain began to develop, sending shooting pains down my arms along with burning, tingling, and numbness into my hands.
When the sports medicine specialist I was seeing declared himself stumped, I told him about an EMG I'd had a few years earlier which had shown nerve irritability. The neurologist had told me about "Droopy Shoulder Syndrome" and said I had the body type for it. Looking up the term on Google, I'd learned of TOS.
My specialist snapped his fingers and said, "That's it!" He ordered a new EMG, and an MRA, then referred me to a local surgeon whose wife has TOS. The tests showed compressed veins, and True Neurogenic TOS was diagnosed. I was rushed into surgery.
Unfortunately, the surgeon I was referred to has a history of being very experimental. The first doctor I saw was very kind and seemed to possess good surgical skills. But his senior partner, who stood in to help, decided to try a different surgical method. The records were falsified to say the surgery had been done as I was told it would. A year later I was back for a second surgery on the left, as I had gone bi-lateral. The second surgery was disastrous! From all appearances the senior partner left early and turned me over to his students. Falsified records said, "complete rib removal and scalenectomy".
Nothing resolved correctly and it took two more years to find and be treated by a TOS specialist, Dr. Dean Donahue at Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston. Dr. Donahue's special contrast CT scan, imaged my cervical ribs and the terrible surgical techniques used on me previously.
Since our first meeting in 2010, Dr. Donahue has performed clean-up surgery on both sides and identified the combination of issues involved. I have "true neurogenic TOS" with classic Gilliatt-Sumner Hand--nerve damage and wasting muscle at the thumb base. The elongated C-7 transverse processes sent fibrous bands into the scalene triangles, where adhesions clamped them to the scalenus minimus (small, extra scalenes )-trapping the arteries between them.
With just chunks of both first ribs
removed, the prior incomplete surgeries left the periosteum/bone casing's cut
ends drifting. Those casings caused a healing response from my body and new
bone regenerated in them-like it would from a fracture. The anterior scalenes
had also been cut and left drifting until they met and attached to those loose
bone casings. From that response, a sling formed across my brachial plexus on
each side and then adhered to each pleura, creating new compression. The repair
surgeries were lengthy and difficult--the one on the left was not enough to
reverse all the nerve damage. The right side was especially bad, with the brachial plexus wrapped twice in thick slabs of scar tissue. Despite the surgery taking 4 1/2 hours, the damage has been significantly reversed and strength is returning to the hand.
Workman's comp has dogged my every step, with adjusters stalling my medications and procedures. In spite of that, I have tried PT, lidocaine injections, Botox, radio-frequency ablations, intermuscle stimulation (IMS), aka dry needling and numerous medications. The two most beneficial treatments have come from my manual physical therapist. He has pioneered some gentle stretching methods that are especially easy on TOS patients. He also learned manual lymph drainage (MLD) and dry needling therapy (IMS) which when used in conjunction work miracles on my trapped lymph build-up.
Living with TOS is especially discouraging, knowing it is for life and will not be cured. We need to develop arsenals of pain-relief methods--each will be as individualized as the people developing them. Many pharmaceutical medications have been tried, but nothing has proven especially useful to me. Things like Cymbalta and Lyrica are caustic to my gut and I have had to eliminate them from the list. At present, I use Wellbutrin and flexeril in conjunction with curcumin/turmeric and several vitamins and supplements. They seem to take the edge off daily pain. Soma helps when I can't sleep.
Distractions are very important and I use them frequently. Books, movies and music all help me to switch focus from pain. Travel in general is pleasant, but my very favorite is road-tripping! My tens unit and infra-red lamp are soothing, frequent companions at home and on the road.
I try not to dwell on my afflictions or tell my lengthy tale to everyone I meet. Just accepting that we have TOS can help us move forward.
Getting the best medical help you can afford is primary, but you may have to hire and fire several doctors before you find someone truly helpful. A TOS specialist can be beneficial if s/he has more in his/her lexicon than surgery. Pain specialists can also help, if you are willing to be experimental. You may find that your best and most consistent help comes from your trusted GP.
Devise coping methods that help get you through and learn what you can do to normalize your situation as much as possible.
Learn to respect your new limits and ask for help.”
~ ~ ~
Thanks for sharing with us Tara.
Friday, August 8, 2014
How to Attack Life's Challenge with Grace
I've been trying to do just what Brendon talks about in this video for several months now...attack my TOS issues head on, and from every possible angle; challenging negative thought patterns, supplements, physical therapy, diet, even emotional and spiritual pieces of the puzzle.
Recently, I've been a bit discouraged.
I think I'm doing better, then pain ramps up and I feel like one step forward, two steps back.
It seems a bit divinely providential that I ran across this video today.
I needed to be reminded of the necessary balance between fighting TOS, and being at peace with it while I'm trying to change some things.
Like Brendon says about his 'War and Peace Strategy' in this video-"If you've got a challenge in your life, you've gotta go to war at it, and you have to have peace about it. Major challenges in our life demand multiple areas of attack. You're so overwhelmed with the suffering, the challenges- you've gotta start overwhelming those things with the number of areas you're hittin' that baby. As you're working your best towards changing it (not approve of it or settle with it) have peace, accept it with no negative attachment. It's ok as it is."
That last line is tough, so tough for me.
I think he's right.
I think acceptance and peace may be the key to living well with pain and challenges, but I'm not there just yet.
I'll keep workin' on it.
Gentle hugs~
Labels:
discouraged,
encouragement,
living with tos,
video
Get Back To Me When - A TOS Poem
Pain increased today,
glass in my veins
pulsing fire
rusty knife in my back
sending jolts,
with every breath,
every move.
A well-meaning person
tried to help, said-
it's o.k.
just hang in there.
Speechless,
dark thoughts
crowded my mind.
You tell me
things will get better?
I've clung to that hope
for years
Living at the mercy
of this pain
that comes when it wishes
against my will
forcing itself on me
over
and over,
and over.
and you say, no worries?!
Give me a break.
After you
have spent years
fighting against
this particular monster,
then
you can get back to me
with your nice platitudes.
because
you
have
no
idea,
None.
~ Robin Wahl
glass in my veins
pulsing fire
rusty knife in my back
sending jolts,
with every breath,
every move.
A well-meaning person
tried to help, said-
it's o.k.
just hang in there.
Speechless,
dark thoughts
crowded my mind.
You tell me
things will get better?
I've clung to that hope
for years
Living at the mercy
of this pain
that comes when it wishes
against my will
forcing itself on me
over
and over,
and over.
and you say, no worries?!
Give me a break.
After you
have spent years
fighting against
this particular monster,
then
you can get back to me
with your nice platitudes.
because
you
have
no
idea,
None.
~ Robin Wahl
Labels:
living with tos,
poem
Friday, July 25, 2014
A Reluctant TOS Prayer
I stopped referencing 'God' or spiritual things after my first few posts because I want everyone to feel welcome here.
That being said, today I want to share with my fellow TOSers something that has become a great help to me in living with TOS.
After hearing about my continuing struggle with TOS, someone challenged me to spend some time with the well-known Serenity Prayer.
Initially, I had to approach it as more of an inspirational mantra, because the very first word of the prayer (God) tripped me up.
Getting past the idea of asking for something from a 'God' I am not so sure is A. concerned about my pain, or B. trustworthy, is hard for me. So I skipped the first word for a while and daily read the prayer, meditating on its meaning for my life. Does it ever apply to living with TOS!
Everyone who lives with an ongoing pain issue, like TOS, faces things that are not in their control, that they cannot change.
Your body has betrayed you and gone haywire.
You endure sleepless nights and foggy days, restless with pain, and wonder what the heck you did to deserve this.
You try everything you know hoping for pain relief; consult medical and alternative practitioners, tests, surgery, therapy, shots, medications, gadgets, lotions-the list could go on, and still the pain remains.
It's frankly been infuriating to me that I can't just rip out the cause of the pain and get on with life.
Thoracic Outlet Syndrome backed me into a corner. There was nowhere to go to get away from the pain, which tapped into my stubborn streak. I pretty much unplugged from faith and life over the last few years. I've used pain as an excuse to not do or go or participate.
The more I've withdrawn, the more the pain has intensified. I ate to stuff my feelings. Pity-parties with chocolate, donuts, cookies in-hand were happening daily. I gained a lot of weight, which exacerbated TOS symptoms. Add in some prescription medications and their unpleasant side effects and I was a depressed mess.
My daily thoughts were about how angry and resentful I was about being stuck in the grip of this insidious pain. My faith turned into questions and doubts.
Watching TOS affect the lives of my kids has been heart breaking. Three of us dealing with TOS in one family?! It seemed to me 'God' must be cruel, unreliable, and cold.
New symptoms on top of the usual TOS appeared; ear, head, and jaw pain. Instead of driving me toward humility and faith, the pain became a wall between me and anything that might touch my spirit.
Thoracic Outlet Syndrome weighed down my life in every way.
I'd become a different person, someone I didn't like. That is the state I was in when a very wise woman handed me a copy of this prayer.
After spending some time sitting with the prayer on my lap, reading and thinking, it became clear to me I was at a crossroad. I have been in desperate need of some "serenity, to accept the things I cannot change".
Would I choose to continue on my life journey with TOS and take the path that leads to my life being taken over by this monster, or would I choose to go another direction, one that requires engaging in my life again? Would I choose "courage, to change the things that I can"?
A thought occurred to me, that just maybe that bit of scripture that says"...the kingdom of God is within you..." is true concerning the things in this prayer. Serenity, courage, and wisdom are already inside me and I simply need to summon them.
Lately, I've been including the first word of the prayer. That word comes with a lot of questions, and honesty about my disappointments. Over time, my faith is being renewed. It's looking a lot different than it used to back when I thought my requests would be fulfilled in my favor (according to 'Gods' will) as long as I asked fervently enough.
I'm learning to be ok with the mystery of 'God', and with admitting I can't fix my broken self with myself. However, I can tap into the reservoir of courage and be better, change the things that I'm able to change.
I only see and understand this life in part, and I need discernment to know when to relax and not try so hard..."wisdom, to know the difference".
It's all a work in progress, a journey. But the view on this part of the path is improving, hopeful, even healing.
I hope this well-known prayer may be a source of encouragement for my fellow TOSers as you each choose, bit by bit, one day at a time, how you will live with this TOS companion.
You all inspire courage in me.
I wish I could take the pain and fix it, for all of us.
But just maybe this struggle is making us into people with resilience and fortitude that this world desperately needs.
Gentle hugs~
That being said, today I want to share with my fellow TOSers something that has become a great help to me in living with TOS.
After hearing about my continuing struggle with TOS, someone challenged me to spend some time with the well-known Serenity Prayer.
Initially, I had to approach it as more of an inspirational mantra, because the very first word of the prayer (God) tripped me up.
Getting past the idea of asking for something from a 'God' I am not so sure is A. concerned about my pain, or B. trustworthy, is hard for me. So I skipped the first word for a while and daily read the prayer, meditating on its meaning for my life. Does it ever apply to living with TOS!
Everyone who lives with an ongoing pain issue, like TOS, faces things that are not in their control, that they cannot change.
Your body has betrayed you and gone haywire.
You endure sleepless nights and foggy days, restless with pain, and wonder what the heck you did to deserve this.
You try everything you know hoping for pain relief; consult medical and alternative practitioners, tests, surgery, therapy, shots, medications, gadgets, lotions-the list could go on, and still the pain remains.
It's frankly been infuriating to me that I can't just rip out the cause of the pain and get on with life.
Thoracic Outlet Syndrome backed me into a corner. There was nowhere to go to get away from the pain, which tapped into my stubborn streak. I pretty much unplugged from faith and life over the last few years. I've used pain as an excuse to not do or go or participate.
The more I've withdrawn, the more the pain has intensified. I ate to stuff my feelings. Pity-parties with chocolate, donuts, cookies in-hand were happening daily. I gained a lot of weight, which exacerbated TOS symptoms. Add in some prescription medications and their unpleasant side effects and I was a depressed mess.
My daily thoughts were about how angry and resentful I was about being stuck in the grip of this insidious pain. My faith turned into questions and doubts.
Watching TOS affect the lives of my kids has been heart breaking. Three of us dealing with TOS in one family?! It seemed to me 'God' must be cruel, unreliable, and cold.
New symptoms on top of the usual TOS appeared; ear, head, and jaw pain. Instead of driving me toward humility and faith, the pain became a wall between me and anything that might touch my spirit.
Thoracic Outlet Syndrome weighed down my life in every way.
I'd become a different person, someone I didn't like. That is the state I was in when a very wise woman handed me a copy of this prayer.
After spending some time sitting with the prayer on my lap, reading and thinking, it became clear to me I was at a crossroad. I have been in desperate need of some "serenity, to accept the things I cannot change".
Would I choose to continue on my life journey with TOS and take the path that leads to my life being taken over by this monster, or would I choose to go another direction, one that requires engaging in my life again? Would I choose "courage, to change the things that I can"?
A thought occurred to me, that just maybe that bit of scripture that says"...the kingdom of God is within you..." is true concerning the things in this prayer. Serenity, courage, and wisdom are already inside me and I simply need to summon them.
Lately, I've been including the first word of the prayer. That word comes with a lot of questions, and honesty about my disappointments. Over time, my faith is being renewed. It's looking a lot different than it used to back when I thought my requests would be fulfilled in my favor (according to 'Gods' will) as long as I asked fervently enough.
I'm learning to be ok with the mystery of 'God', and with admitting I can't fix my broken self with myself. However, I can tap into the reservoir of courage and be better, change the things that I'm able to change.
I only see and understand this life in part, and I need discernment to know when to relax and not try so hard..."wisdom, to know the difference".
It's all a work in progress, a journey. But the view on this part of the path is improving, hopeful, even healing.
I hope this well-known prayer may be a source of encouragement for my fellow TOSers as you each choose, bit by bit, one day at a time, how you will live with this TOS companion.
You all inspire courage in me.
I wish I could take the pain and fix it, for all of us.
But just maybe this struggle is making us into people with resilience and fortitude that this world desperately needs.
Gentle hugs~
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