Thursday, January 3, 2013

The Uncertainty of TOS

Never knowing...
when or how it will begin, again
with the slightest move
just the wrong way
or from doing too much
carrying a heavy bag
wearing a heavy coat
and the ache begins
a tugging in my bones sort of pain
slight at first
but the familiar sign
of things to come
a cascade of effects
that begins to unravel
from a simple sneeze
or a wobble when walking on ice
pressure from a seatbelt
a change in the weather
unconsciously sleeping in a bad position
now the throbbing has returned
I feel my spirits sink
the pain wraps around my mind
surges through my neck
my jaw, my arm, my head, my back
Pain changes my plans
for the day, maybe for weeks
now, the struggle is not so much with pain
as it is with the emotions it brings up...
unable, weak, dependant
victim, angry, burdened, defeated.
Stops me in my tracks
Yesterday, and the day before
no one would have guessed
Odd how you can learn
to live with a level of pain and dysfunction
and not really notice it
Today, suddenly, out of the blue
I am laid low once again
back in my chair
back on pain meds
back to blaming myself for this fluke
for not doing enough therapy
for not being careful enough
like it is my fault
that my body is this way
out of my total control
with a mind of its own
I have no choice, backed into this corner
so I slow down
I breathe
there is no 'doing' now, only being
getting through it
enduring until another day
I remember somthing I once heard
that the rings of a tree show signs of struggle
in years of drought or stress
and that growth comes after
In the stillness now, I sense something new
even in the midst of the pain
courage, depth, compassion
resilience, insight, dignity, wisdom
I ask myself the question-
who would I have been, without the pain?
shallow, vain, hurried
callous, unseeing, impatient, unaware

In that understanding, lies the treasure.